Sidetracks

It's been two full weeks now since this strange vertigo/deafness episode started, and in some ways it feels like it's only been a day or two, but in other ways, it's like I never had any balance or hearing to begin with.

I don't do "sick" very well.  Sure, I follow orders, drink lots of fluids, take the medications as prescribed, rest a lot, eat reasonably well and all that stuff, but inside, there is always that part of me that says "Cut it out.  Go to work. There ain't nothing wrong with you."  And sometimes it's really hard not to listen to that part and not to just push my way through it and fake like everything's fine. Until I move....

When I move, I realize that I can't work because I can't even walk. My sense of balance is so out of whack that to cross the room often requires leaning on every wall or piece of furniture around and hoping that I don't wind up face down on the floor.  And to top it off, the whole exercise leaves me disoriented and trying to figure out why I crossed the room in the first place.

Then there's the medication. Frightfully, I'm pretty stable right now. I'm down to 40mg of prednisone daily (from the 60 I started with), and I'm somewhat accustomed to bring moody, with feelings bordering on rage making a sudden segue into melancholy or bliss.  Ok.... not so much bliss, really.  I'm not able to sleep, except for when it's all I can do, and I've formed real opinions on stuff that is utterly meaningless. (For example, pubic hair is there for a reason and shaving it off is self mutilation, or that all American politics is a lie) but the biggest thing I guess is this whole morality thing. 
Realizing that the healthiest years of my live are most likely in my past, and I spent the vast majority of those years punishing my body, conducting a little science experiment to determine which organ would fail first.  The liver and lungs were at the top of the competition with the heart always in a close third.

But now it's different. I'm in my mid-forties, my body is in decline, and I'm left to wonder what this all means in the big picture, and of course, in the back of all that comes the dreaded missed opportunities and wasted potential that are never far away when I decide to start really feeling sorry for myself.

But one thing has changed.  I've made a major decision about my past.  Once this episode is over, my karmic balance is reset to zero.  Old wrongs I've done are no longer of any consequence and I shall no longer carry the guilt for my part in those situations. Surely, I shall carry the lessons, but the emotional baggage must go.   On the same token, any resentments I may harbor against others for their actions must now be rendered void.   This will take some work on my part, but it's time to forgive myself and others and get a fresh start so as to be truly free from the dead weight of my own personal history books.

Well, it's after 3am and I'm still wide awake, blogging away on my phone just because, well... just because.  In about 30 hours the next phase of this journey will begin, as they double dip me into the MRI machine (one standard, one with contrast) to find out what, if anything, is in my head.  From there, the choices may be few and simple or many and complex. Who knows? All I know is that I've got a day, and I can do anything I want with that day........

What I'd like is a massage, a bath in a tub that fits my body, and a nap, but I doubt that's gonna happen just yet... :/

Oh well. It could be worse...........